Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
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Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
SPLOOT
I’m aging like a fine banana
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.