This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
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[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
He a real one for that
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.