Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself