a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Breaking news:
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.