Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
You Might Also Like
Important reminders
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??