“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?