I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
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I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
This trial is so absurd 😭
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?