Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
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Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
i- i did not expect this
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names