When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
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A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
🤭😂
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My blood type is coffee.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄