If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
These are too funny not to post 😂
and now we wait
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*