Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”