*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
How did we not see this back then?
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
The sacred texts.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I can also cook 😂
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy