ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
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I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close