Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
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Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.