Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
You Might Also Like
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried