Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
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Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.