PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
This made me smile…
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.