Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Print is alive and well!!!
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare