‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
You Might Also Like
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do