[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
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I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
i can’t wait that long
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
not for long
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.