I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
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Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Bro what is this
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go