“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
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PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.