[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
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You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Finally! 😈
A leaf blower, but for people.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.