I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.