Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap