Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
You Might Also Like
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.