Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I feel it
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.