I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
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Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
when dads have a rap battle
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂