Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan