HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.