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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.