*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.