Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
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PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
this… may be the greatest story ever told
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
me and who
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Still cracks me up
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.