Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
and now we wait
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me