Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…