GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
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We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?