Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
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Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed