A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
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How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..