*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.