Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.