I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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Yup.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
You got this…
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington