Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*