Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
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My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.