[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
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My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
What’s so funny?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule