If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!