[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
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7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
The struggle is real
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly