If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
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Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable