Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
You know…for fall…
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Thoughts
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Why is this me 馃槴
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Cardio Made Easy
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism