me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.