*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.